Sunday, January 16, 2011

Dismissed

     We were meeting in our small group tonight, and as I tend to always do, I was running off at the mouth again.  Sometimes I surprise myself with how transparent I can be with people if I just start talking.  I must be a used - car salesman's dream.  I have said on several occasions that I think I am the only person that could possibly show up at a car lot and somehow end up walking out paying MORE money for a car than they're asking, simply because I can talk my way out of or INTO anything.  It can be a blessing, but man, it can also be a curse.  If I'd just shut up sometimes I'd be willing to bet I'd get a whole lot more done, in general.  Anyway, we were talking about respect, and as I was speaking I realized that I had morphed the entire conversation around into my own personal counseling session, specifically when I realized some of the things I was saying about myself. 
     It was something along the lines of ". . .I don't ever like to be wrong", but not necessarily because I like to be right, but because I'm afraid, basically, of being wrong.  I'm afraid of letting people down, or failure, or something like that.  I sometimes feel like I'm the only one that feels this way, but then I also wonder if I'm the only one that is as dreadfully transparent about it.  Sometimes I think I'm too transparent.  I walk around a lot of the day, I think, letting my fears basically pipeline from the depths of my brain right to my soul, or vice versa.  It's not the healthiest thing to do, trust me.  I envy most of my coworkers or patients or friends, because, somehow, they don't seem to live with the same burden of doubt or fear or whatever-it-is that I do.  Maybe they do, and they just don't say anything about it; or maybe they just dismiss thoughts such as these as soon as they start to occur.
     Then I get into: if they DO do this, is that what my faith maybe should look like?  Should it look like dismissal?  I'm not sure it shouldn't.  I mean, really, maybe this is what God means when He says to us "do not worry about tomorrow."  Maybe He means "Look, when you start to have thoughts such as this, dismiss them.  Cast them on me.  I WILL handle these things for you.  TRUST me, and just BE in this moment."  It goes against every ounce of my nature, but personally, I'm beginning to think that this is just a cop out in itself.  Nature, schmature, God has made me a new being.  I just need to continue to allow that New Being to come to the forefront.  Sometimes I think so much of our faith, essentially, we don't apply.  We're so dang afraid of the practical applications of a relationship with God and with Jesus that we suppress it.  We want it to be mystical, when really, God surely realizes the day - to - day, real life struggles that we face.  The day - to - day things are, in my opinion, worse than the occasional disasters that pop up, so to speak.  Day - to - day things we carry around all the time, like the proverbial millstone.
     So come to me, God.  Here are my fears.  Carry them, Lord.  And help me to be more dismissive. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Welcome to the Snowpocalypse

     We had snow here in middle Tennessee yesterday.  It's a pretty rare occurrence; like it or not, we do live in the (fairly deep) south.  I'm made acutely aware on a regular basis of how much a lot of individuals here don't like it.  I can't say that I blame them -- if you've ever lost control of your car driving in the snow then you probably take a more sympathetic ear than I do.  I, however, love the stuff.  It makes me feel like a kid again.  I've told Hope on several occasions about where I grew up in Nashville -- we lived at the bottom of a big hill, and so we could just walk out our front door, drag the sled up to the top of 23rd Avenue, aim it straight down the street, and hurtle down to the bottom.  If we were tired of sledding, we merely dragged our sled back to the back yard, walked in the back door, and then we'd sit by the fireplace and dry off.  If we had enough snow to sled, we wouldn't have school the next day, trust me, so there was no need to worry about getting to bed on time.

   I'm not always the biggest fan of sappy allegories or analogies.  However, as I grow older and spend time growing closer to my children, I'm made more and more "sappy", shall I say.  I have crazy thoughts go through my head all the time, and I'm always wishing that I had a way to jot these things down.  I'm working on that a bit, and so while it's not always practical to just carry around a notepad or something, at least I have this blog, and so I can run in and start posting some things down as I think of them.  This is a roundabout way of explaining that yesterday while I was constructing the WBS (World's Biggest Snowman) in the front yard with Hope, I started thinking of how a snowfall in middle Tennessee is a good allegory (is that the correct word?) for what I feel about my children. . .

   Snow, like children, comes upon me not every day, but often with eager anticipation.  There's something simplistically beautiful about it.  I admire how beautiful it is, and I seemingly can never look at it enough without being at least at little amazed by it.  It take me to a simpler, more childlike time in my mind, heart, and spirit.  I do things in its presence that I rarely, if ever, get to do.  Each snowflake is unique, as is each child.  It's only here for precious little time, and then just as quickly, it's gone.  I'm often guilty of being at least a little frustrated by it, but there's also a part of me that wishes it would never go away.  As I get older, I find myself wishing for just a little more time to spend with it, and a more open and perceptive and listening heart while I'm playing with it.  I could of course go on and on, but that's enough for any person with a heart to get the picture.

   Simply put, I am so thankful, so very thankful, for what God teaches me through my children.  I wouldn't trade anything for the opportunity to spend just one more day with each of them.  Thank you, thank you, God.  And thanks for the beautiful, glorious, youthful exuberence - inducing snow.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Living La Vida Simpla

     I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, which I'm sure no one at all is surprised by.  Thinking and worrying about all kinds of things is something that I do a lot, probably more than anyone realizes.  I turn stuff over in my head constantly.  I fret about this, I worry about that.  I worry whether I'm doing my job properly.  I think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I get anxious about when I don't have everything figured out, and I get anxious about getting anxious.  It's not somewhere I'd encourage anyone to be.
     But in the middle of all this thinking, I've started becoming acutely aware of just how much of my thought is taken up by stuff that, in the long and short of it, doesn't really matter all that much.  I've slowly started becoming more and more in favor of a minimalist approach to life.  This seems to be a big buzz - word these days; you can find any number of books (and blogs) about how to lead the simple life, so of course my comments aren't anything ground - breaking.  But knowing the why behind the concept appeals to me, and as I approach this way of thinking, I see now why people intuitively start to perhaps "go simpler" as they get older.
    For lack of a better way of saying it, it's pretty straightforward -- the more things I have in my life to manage or care about or worry about, the more energy and emotional devotion these things require, and as a result, the less I have to devote to the things that truly matter.  I can name on about one hand the things that really matter to me, when it comes down to it: my wife, my daughter, my son.  My career.  My health (running).  That's about it.  Notice what I left out?  My God.  That's what I always leave out, when He should come first.  No, not first, but only.  He should be the only thing that we worry about or focus on, because He cares so very deeply for us that all these other things "will be added unto" us.  Now I know, I can hear a lot of you shaking your head and saying ". . .naive fool. . .", etc., etc..  I didn't say I had it all figured out.  I don't.  Not even close.  But to at least feel like I'm headed into the right path on this journey of discovery is a very, very good feeling.
   All this being said, I'm closing for now.  It's mildly snowing outside, and I've got a son to take to get a doughnut, and a daughter to reunite with today after not seeing her for a week.  This day, at least, should be a complete day.  Thank you, thank you, God-Father.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy (freaking) New Year. Or whatever.

     Well, it's 2011.  I've told people for years that my least favorite day of the year is January 2nd.  Why?  It's pretty straightforward, at least in my mind -- Christmas season is over, and it's as far away as it is going to get .  The days are about as short as they can be (though getting longer, I'll concede that).  It's cold.  And seemingly worst of all -- it's practically five months to the next day off from work (Memorial Day).  Yes, Dave, it truly is a dark and gloomy time.  Or is it. . .?
     The question I have for myself is, of course, why do I insist on looking at it from this perspective?  I am realizing now that a lot of my cynicism, sarcasm, and overall pessimism is of course an acquired persona.  It's who Dave is.  Dave's witty.  Dave's acerbic.  Dave's self - deprecating.  It's all fun and games and all that crap, but lately I've realized that, in the not - too - distant past, I've pretty much been Eeyore as well, and I'm getting to the point where I don't necessarily like it anymore.  Not because of the effect it has on other people, because it doesn't really show up a whole lot.  People around me, they just laugh it off and go on about whatever it is they're doing.  No, I don't like it because it just flat - out makes it more energy intensive and time consuming for me to go about my day.  It's hard to put on a jovial face when you're gloomy underneath.  But what about when a lot of the times you're just gloomy because that's what you're "supposed" to be?  It's your personality, after all, right?  Maybe.  Or maybe not.  So I'm resolving to begin to take a journey in 2011 towards a more centered world view.  I don't know where it will lead -- you might catch me at the end of 2011 saying, essentially, "That, my friends, sucked."  But, as with all things, I won't know unless I seek to find out. 
    So yes, January 2nd will continue to be my least favorite day of the year, but thank you, God -- I don't have to go back to work until January 3rd, and by that time Christmas will be closer than yesterday, the day will be longer than yesterday, and Memorial day is less than 5 months away.  I'll be surrounded by a beautiful wife and two children that are a continued inspiration to me.  I'm healthy.  I have a job with great co-workers.  I have a house and plenty of food and clothes.  These things, and so many more, are incredibly positive realities that most of us have come to see as foregone conclusions and "basics", when instead we should view them as specific blessings from God Himself.  And THAT, my friends, is where my resolution lies.  Happy New Year!